Your First Pipe

Let’s clear something up right out of the gate here — no one is going to think you look cool for smoking a tobacco pipe. To the contrary, unless you’re old enough to have fired a few rounds in Word War II, most people will probably think you look like an asshole. And if they don’t, they’re probably assholes.

So let’s say I’ve convinced you to give the pipe a try. Now what? All it takes to become a cigarette smoker is a trip to a gas station or convenience store and a few days of lung “training” (ie, destruction). Taking up the tobacco pipe is a bit like taking up skiing. Before you can hit to the slopes, you need equipment.

Pipes are fairly simple constructions. As with anything, you get what you pay for, but the differential in quality between a $20 pipe and $300 pipe is relatively small – these aren’t violins. Aside from visual aesthetics, when you buy an expensive pipe you are largely paying for two luxuries: weight and temperature. Pricey pipes tend to be lighter than cheaper pipes. They also tend to burn cooler to the touch. Both of these are relevant, as they will dangle from your face. Weight is more of a personal choice, and some people like the heft of weightier pipes. Temperature is across the board important though. After all, you are going to be holding something with a tiny fire in it. It will inevitably get hot, but you don’t want something that is unpleasant to touch. Briar is the most popular basic pipe material, as it is durable, heat resistance, and has a nice appearance. If you’re trying to go cheap, a corncob pipe isn’t as shitty as you might think, but they tend to have smaller bowls and hasty constructions. Stems are made from a variety of substances and really just come down to personal preference, as far as how soft or hard you want the bit to be between your teeth.

Bottom line is, there is no reason you need to spend a ton of money on a pipe. As an apparatus, even the crappiest pipe will still function (as anyone who has built a “naughty pipe” out of an apple knows). That said, extremely cheap pipes tend to compensate for their low-grade wood with a lot of varnish, which could definitely affect the smoke’s taste. It is also entirely up to you if you want your pipe to have a filter. As we’ll get into next time, you won’t be breathing this smoke into your lungs, so a filter isn’t a necessity.

Where you buy your pipe probably will depend a lot on where you live. These days there aren’t a lot of places that sell pipes, mainly because there aren’t a lot of proper tobacco shops anymore. If you’re fortunate enough to have a proper tobacco shop in your area, this will be the best bet. On-line is an easy option for everyone, but I’d advise trying to find an actual store if possible, just so you have the luxury of holding the pipe in your hands to see how it feels and what its weight is. Avoid gas stations or other cigarette-dominated convenience stores. Much like these establishments’ miserable cigar options, the pipes they might have are probably aimed at pot smokers. 

Speaking of pot and “naughty pipes,” you don’t want to smoke tobacco and pot out of the same pipe. The “cake” in your pipe’s bowl is important for tobacco smoking, and pot will fuck shit up pretty fast. If you are an extremely casual tobacco pipe smoker, then whatever, but if you are trying to seriously get into the past time, then you’re wasting a perfectly good pipe. That said, some head shops can actually be a decent place to find a good tobacco pipe – although you’ll probably get confused looks from the clerk if you ask questions about tobacco smoking. Just make sure you don’t get anything with too small a bowl. Small bowls are great for pot, not as great for tobacco.

Pipes come in different shapes and sizes! 

There are a wide variety of pipe shapes and sizes to chose from (that above pic isn’t even close to all of them). What style you chose is entirely up to you, and will likely be determined by how you like to smoke the pipe, if you leave it in your mouth, if you tend to hold it between puffs, where you want the bowl in relation to your eyes/nose, etc. Whatever floats your boat. Unfortunately, no shop owner is going to let you stick a pipe in your mouth to test it out, so you’ll just have to guess.